It is more than difficult to discuss all of the things that have occurred over the last few days.

My main thought is how much of an impact someone can have on your life, even someone with whom you only interacted for a short time. 5 wonderful people...young and supremely talented people, with large goals and larger hearts, have died, and the hole they have left in so many of us is immense.

You know, I feel that over the past few years, I have changed drastically in the face of death. Now that I've lost people close to me (Dad) I no longer feel that I am a good person to comfort others. When I was at the memorial service on Friday, I looked around at those crying, and felt that I didn't feel adequate to comfort those I don't know well. I felt guilty to be crying because so many around me had even closer links to those that died. This is pointless, I know, as grief is different for everyone, and I have the right to cry over strangers if I want...I felt so sad for those people who had these stronger bonds with Chris, Garth, Georgina, Robert, and Zach. That in itself was gut-wrenching. As a musician the fact that all of these students were really on their way to success...we all knew it...I just can't understand it at all, why people with such a clear path to their goals could be taken away before reaching them...

I do not want to write more about this, as I do not have the ability to phrase things as eloquently as I desire. You can find more information here.

...I managed to complete my recital this weekend, and stayed calm and collected thanks to the idea that I should try to bring as much beauty to the performance as possible, to pay tribute. Putting the importance of things into perspective, I think I did my best to share music I love with a receptive audience of family and friends.

These past few days, Mom, her friend Karen, and my dearest Rachel "Bug" from undergrad were here. They were so great, helping prepare for the recital and gathering at my apt. afterwards, as well as also keeping their distance a little when I needed space. They've just left, and instead of being able to enjoy my free time, I just feel empty.

Andy comes back home on Wednesday, and I know he'll make me feel better. We made a pact to play music for ourselves these weeks ahead, and to celebrate the music and not worry about what others have to say. I wish it could always be like that.

I am grateful for so many things, and hope that I have made some impact on the lives around me--even those people who I see 4 or 5 days a week but may not have ever really talked to. What would they take away with them about me if I were to die?

11 days and 1.5 hours until I find my sanity...

If all goes as planned, I'll be the happiest Laura ever at 2:30pm on Sunday, April 23rd. This week and a half until then is looking particularly scary, though I should be ok.

The first Carmen went really well, and I've gotten some nice comments. I'm looking forward to the last production, though I haven't looked at it since because of all my recital-prep.

The next morning I sang my audition for the first few operas for next year. I also think that went very well, though I was pretty exhausted, having just been performing in the MAC not 12 hours before.

Mom was visiting the whole weekend, and we spent some good time together, as well as eating out with Adonis and Andy, and hanging out in general. I was able to catch up on some sleep as well, as I took my first nap of the year on Saturday afternoon.

This week is looking a lot crazier than I had expected--which I feel really bad about because my best friend Leanne is coming in today and staying until Sunday, and I am busy ALL day tomorrow. :( I hope she'll forgive my gross schedule.

Today at 4:30 I have my recital hearing, and then I pick up Leanne from the Union, then we go to the Meadowood retirement community and I do my mock recital. I know I am ready for these things today, but I don't feel like I have been singing well the past few weeks (other than Carmen and the audition, which luckily went really well) and it's probably due to the weather, which seems to be affecting about 80% of us singers. I don't know. I just want the faculty to believe I am a strong singer and have good technique and good musicality. I've been worried so much about technique, that I think my presentation has gone a little on the sideline. Grr. After this I've got a week and a half to really work on it, which is good. Particularly when I get my master comp exam out of the way this Saturday, do the last Carmen production, as well as finish off choir on Monday.

Also, I was chosen to be an alternate for a Dawn Upshaw masterclass next week. This is very exciting, as Ms. Upshaw is soo very famous and talented, and has a voice that's high and light like mine, and she enjoys more modern rep. Thing is, Kazuha isn't in town next week, and the masterclass is on Thursday. Unless someone gets sick, I won't get to sing, so there's all the preparation, without the possible benefit. Ah well. I'm going to work with another accompanist Kazuha found for me, and hopefully will be able to work at least one of the two pieces with Ms. Upshaw. Incredible!

So, that's my update for now. I'm really hoping on landing the role Zerlina in our fall production of Don Giovanni--but so are the 30 other sopranos that probably sang for it on Saturday. All in all, if I make it successfully through my recital and all things I've mentioned, I'll definitely have reason to celebrate! :)