It is more than difficult to discuss all of the things that have occurred over the last few days.

My main thought is how much of an impact someone can have on your life, even someone with whom you only interacted for a short time. 5 wonderful people...young and supremely talented people, with large goals and larger hearts, have died, and the hole they have left in so many of us is immense.

You know, I feel that over the past few years, I have changed drastically in the face of death. Now that I've lost people close to me (Dad) I no longer feel that I am a good person to comfort others. When I was at the memorial service on Friday, I looked around at those crying, and felt that I didn't feel adequate to comfort those I don't know well. I felt guilty to be crying because so many around me had even closer links to those that died. This is pointless, I know, as grief is different for everyone, and I have the right to cry over strangers if I want...I felt so sad for those people who had these stronger bonds with Chris, Garth, Georgina, Robert, and Zach. That in itself was gut-wrenching. As a musician the fact that all of these students were really on their way to success...we all knew it...I just can't understand it at all, why people with such a clear path to their goals could be taken away before reaching them...

I do not want to write more about this, as I do not have the ability to phrase things as eloquently as I desire. You can find more information here.

...I managed to complete my recital this weekend, and stayed calm and collected thanks to the idea that I should try to bring as much beauty to the performance as possible, to pay tribute. Putting the importance of things into perspective, I think I did my best to share music I love with a receptive audience of family and friends.

These past few days, Mom, her friend Karen, and my dearest Rachel "Bug" from undergrad were here. They were so great, helping prepare for the recital and gathering at my apt. afterwards, as well as also keeping their distance a little when I needed space. They've just left, and instead of being able to enjoy my free time, I just feel empty.

Andy comes back home on Wednesday, and I know he'll make me feel better. We made a pact to play music for ourselves these weeks ahead, and to celebrate the music and not worry about what others have to say. I wish it could always be like that.

I am grateful for so many things, and hope that I have made some impact on the lives around me--even those people who I see 4 or 5 days a week but may not have ever really talked to. What would they take away with them about me if I were to die?